The morning after the day before.

Yesterday was a stunning day (for the most part). I'm currently in Crete at the moment. I now split my time between here and London due to my beautiful lady being from here.

We took a 2 hour drive through some of the most beautiful scenery I've ever seen. The sea was never ending, the winding roads were too. We arrived at the bungee jump around one o'clockish. The strange thing was for me, was at the time and in the week previous, I never felt nervous about it, at all. Well at least I didn't think so. After the event, I realised this was a great lesson in learning how I deal with fear.

So, we got there and I went to go over to the bridge and looked down the gorge. It was a VERY long way down and yet and didn't really feel much emotion. There were a couple of guys about to jump just as we got there. I sat on the rocks and watched them jump. "I'm cool with that", I said to myself. I must have said that phrase about 4,780,367 times in my head in space between watching those guys and getting on the platform to jump. If I was self aware enough, that should have set alarm bells ringing, alas it didn't. I later found out that the guys running the show and my girlfriend could see the fear in my eyes, as clear as King fucking Kong flying down the through the gorge on a magic carpet firing nuclear missiles at us.

We were then told that there was going to be around 10 people ahead of us (there were two of us jumping, me and another guy who was with us). So this gave me plenty of time to keep watching LOADS of people jumping. I kept looking down the gorge and watching them jump over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over again. I can now 100% state, this wasn’t the most intelligent thing I’ve ever done. I would’ve been much better to sit and have a coffee, watch one jump and then just jump myself. 

Looking back, it's very obvious now that this was NOT a good way to prepare for a jump, in my case. The more time that went on the more I was "trying" and yes I mean "trying" to convince myself that it was all rose petals and butterflies. When actually, it was more like Satan cooking me on a skewer in the burning pits of hell rubbing a Habanero pepper on my fucking nuts. I'm a big believer that "trying" doesn't exist. Do it or don't!

Anyway about an hour in, I was about to shit my pants, literally. At no point did I go, "Steve, you are nervous as hell, fearful like a mother fucker, just show it, feel it, let it out and talk it through". Instead I internalised it all and put on what I believed to be a "brave face". So, I went for a crap. A tell tale sign that I was extremely fearful should have been that I was finished within 0.26 seconds. I looked around for loo roll and of course there wasn't any. Fucking great! I'm now going to have to go out there with my "brave face" smelling of shit in the searing heat! “Oh look there’s Shit Boy coming to jump and pebble dash the gorge”. Luckily I creeped the toilet door open and it was by the sink.. SAVED. I'm now a real man again going to confidently jump off a bridge 138 metres down with poo NOT actually running down my leg.

It got to the stage, where a young guy of 14 was on the platform about to jump. He couldn't do it, he was too scared. I immediately said to the guy next to me, "it takes a lot of courage to come all that way and say no". Little did I think I would be doing the same thing in a bit and actually not believing that statement at all myself. Then one of the bungee guys needed someone to step in his place and my mate with me immediately jumped in. Now he was SOOOOO nervous, all week. On the bridge he couldn't even move his feet at one point and yet he went for it. His jump was amazing! I hesitated after 2 bloody hours of waiting, another sign. After the fact, I realsied that feeling fear and letting it out is much more healthy than internaisling it and letting it eat you away. As for all emotions. We all know that the more you keep them in the worse it is for your body.

Another guy jumped before me, who was also nervous as hell, shaking like a bloody leaf the whole time. It was at this time i thought, uhoh I need a crap again but I told myself "man up you week git and just do it". 

SHOWTIME! I was up next. They got me all harnessed up and on the platform. I crept to the edge and like a the biggest numpty on the planet I looked down (as I had been for that last 2 hours..... cock!). He then did the good old countdown. I was ready to jump on "1" but you jump after 3 when they shout "bungee". It came to that moment and as I was leaning back to spring forward and “bungee” came, I froze. I couldn't jump. I stood there like a pleb. So he talked to me for a minute or so and as more time went on, I felt more and more like I didn't want to do it. I then realised that I wasn't ready and made the decision to step down.

I have to say, in those moments after being on that platform, I've never chosen to feel more ashamed, frustrated and weak than I did then. I couldn't look at anyone in the eye. Ironically, I wanted to through myself of the bloody bridge. I was hurting big time. One of my instant thoughts was, "what is my girlfriend going to think". She did it last year. One of the other things I was thinking was “FUCK ME, I've not go to go back to Facebook and post something. What will everyone one think of me”  Its not in my nature to lie and bullshit, so I've decided to blog about it and share it.

I was very surprised at how much I was concerned with other opinions as those of you who know me, know that I don't normally give shit what others think. A lesson learnt is this: Don’t tell the world you’re about to do something until its actually done and you have proof. BIG LESSON. Especially on Facebook, when the whole world, his wife and the CIA are watching. I did know however that writing a blog and sharing this with others may just help one person, somewhere on the planet and also at the same time help me to get over my "shit".

On the way back in the car, my girlfriend suggested I do some EFT (emotional freedom therapy) and tap on what I was feeling. It was resistant at first and then thought, I really don't want to feel weak and disappointed, so I obliged and tapped on it. Its a great process and within 20 minutes or so I was laughing a little about the whole bungee jump. 

One of the big realisations I have now is that when the stakes get high and I start doing the emotion of "fear" I lock it down and keep it inside. Or shall I say I used to do that, in the past. Looking back on my life, when stakes have been high before, I’ve definitely locked down emotions like that when stakes have been high to protect myself.

One epiphany that I did have in the car coming down the mountain was to do with actors and how we prepare for a performance. Every time I've ever performed in a theatre or given a presentation there has ALWAYS been a level of nerves and I've been very present to the fact they are there. I've always known you really need those nerves to nail a performance. Hindsight is a great thing. I never let myself feel those nerves and be present to them before the jump, I locked them down and was doing the whole macho man thing inside. Outside everyone could see the fear. 

I'll do the jump, at some point. Only when I'm good and ready and will actually enjoy the experience.

Thanks for reading this brain fart!